urge

i'm boiling to let you know, to tell you that i care for you, that everything looks dim around you, that i wish for you to be close, for you to be part of my world, while i hold your hands in mine and look straight into your eyes.

but it seems i cannot find a way and no water can wash away this longing.

littlest things

Seems like one does not realise a good thing until it is gone. I find myself again in a new place, with no connections, almost no friends but with so many good things ahead of me, it is hard not to feel the thrill.

But then, I cannot help feeling this utter sense of solitude that silently crashes down as I long for the people I grew fond of in the last three years. Also, this urge to atone for so many ill things that have befallen; some thoughts have become unbearable and being alone these days has turned out to be a precious chance to make myself renewed again. Ere silence takes hold.

And it is now when the littlest things do all the difference; from the strange smile to the wisp of cloud turning gray as the sun sets. For what matters is to be thankful for the time and opportunities that I have been given. I cannot possibly feel more fortunate. I yearn to learn to live again.

Void

Honestly, it is both tough and inevitable for me to begin writing this. This will never reach out to you, but then, I care not. This comes out of my own volition in order to heal the emotional extenuation and pure joy that all things around you have caused on me.

I despise not being able to hate you but then, hatred is not bound to me and never remains. I am bitter as I am not aware of whatever there is on your mind and for the concealed reasons that support your puzzling and altogether conspicuous decision of not seeing each other anymore. I am but no one to meddle with your affairs or take part of your choices and I accept what you have chosen, but definitely I will not settle down quietly.

As adults, it was mutual choice to take part on what happened. It made me feel special. As of late, my troubling lies on me being foolish and irresponsible enough to not stop you from being so care-free. Though I thought about it once, as I tried my best to be supportive, now I could not care less about whatever brought you to your positively challenging situation, as I mind only what may become of me. I am thankful of being notified of it all firsthand, despite that being the worst night I can recall. Either way, as scared shitless as I was, I did not look away. Meaning to stay, I made my thoughts clear but then... Not even that was enough.

I feel for you, I cannot deny that, and if I can blame something for what has happened, it would be your very last words. You say it could not have worked out but this way; what about what I think? Regardless, you did not mind and I have dealt with it. Remains strange though, due to lack of any word I could come up with, your altogether weird behaviour but it has well shattered what little was left on me, unceremoniously. So be it.

Reckon there are better ways to express frustration, and you may have yours, but HONESTLY, spare me the verbal dung. As will not suffer to be thus polluted by such pathetic effort to comfort a weary mind. So, please do not come and tell me you also feel for me. It is only demeaning and I am positive not even you believe so.

I feel grateful for the time I was given with you, of the things aplenty I had the chance to learn with you, following your lead in matters both practical and professional, all the laughter, the gadgetry and people I met, and of you sparing me from taking the step I feared taking but then, no thanks. I simply happen to know better now.

Understanding

So, this is the moment I dreaded the most. Figuring out a way to speak directly to you has ended in a rather cowardly fashion and I cannot muster the courage to say these things out loud: I write to you, as a way to release my mind from a silent, relentless uproar that I simply cannot contain any longer, and be at peace.

This feeling of utter failure and deceit has been crushing my conscience for a while now. Leastways regarding our relationship. The excruciating notion is about knowing I could have done much better. And that I could have been true. I could not care less for what I thought about us in the past, when everything seemed so ambiguous and then, I accept that the consequences of my actions could carry on for the end of my days. Little comfort I find knowing you remain unharmed, if thus thing would ever happen to me. But, it is one of the reasons behind me moving out and leaving the life I so long sought and fought for, here.

I find no measure to this fear and I stand on uncharted ground. The world I thought I lived in, vanished in an instant. As of now, I cannot stand to you my situation as this problem is my own and I see no reason as to why I should involve you; not trying to be self-absorbed, but when the time comes, perhaps I will be courageous enough to tell you, when there is no other way left for me to take. For, as much as I do not want this to be and with all the strenght and might there is in me reject the circumstances, the odds are real, plausible even, and all I can do now is to keep a positive attitude, clinging on to as much hope as there is. I feel certain this is only a major chance for me to reflect on my life what I want from it and focus on what really matters.

For several days, everything came crashing down. But something, somewhere, slowly began to rebuild from all the emotional and physical debris I was. This brought new hopes and goals to my routine-driven life and I thus understood that I have to begin to take care of myself and do what I must.

And so I have been. Doing what this little quiet voice inside tells me feels right.

Lately, as much as I have a mind for and care about you, I realised there is no proper place for me in your life. I positively comprehend all your undertakings and I could not be more proud of your manifold achievements throughout these months. Every moment we spent together I deem precious and smiles at me through pictures, small things and memories. Your help, when I needed it the most is beyond any way I can possibly express my gratitude. I am eternally grateful for each and every thing you provided and freely gave away. I was always happy to lend you a hand when you needed it; the foundation of it all was friendship, by all means and that allowed us to go through many situations. But then, I began to feel out of the equation, and "us" became nothing but a blur. That is when I felt weak, and it was definitely not right.

I cannot help thinking of what could have been. I have no idea of what will become of us, not even myself, but what I am certain is of you and I staying in touch from time to time, being as happy as ever of having you as part of my life.