Understanding

So, this is the moment I dreaded the most. Figuring out a way to speak directly to you has ended in a rather cowardly fashion and I cannot muster the courage to say these things out loud: I write to you, as a way to release my mind from a silent, relentless uproar that I simply cannot contain any longer, and be at peace.

This feeling of utter failure and deceit has been crushing my conscience for a while now. Leastways regarding our relationship. The excruciating notion is about knowing I could have done much better. And that I could have been true. I could not care less for what I thought about us in the past, when everything seemed so ambiguous and then, I accept that the consequences of my actions could carry on for the end of my days. Little comfort I find knowing you remain unharmed, if thus thing would ever happen to me. But, it is one of the reasons behind me moving out and leaving the life I so long sought and fought for, here.

I find no measure to this fear and I stand on uncharted ground. The world I thought I lived in, vanished in an instant. As of now, I cannot stand to you my situation as this problem is my own and I see no reason as to why I should involve you; not trying to be self-absorbed, but when the time comes, perhaps I will be courageous enough to tell you, when there is no other way left for me to take. For, as much as I do not want this to be and with all the strenght and might there is in me reject the circumstances, the odds are real, plausible even, and all I can do now is to keep a positive attitude, clinging on to as much hope as there is. I feel certain this is only a major chance for me to reflect on my life what I want from it and focus on what really matters.

For several days, everything came crashing down. But something, somewhere, slowly began to rebuild from all the emotional and physical debris I was. This brought new hopes and goals to my routine-driven life and I thus understood that I have to begin to take care of myself and do what I must.

And so I have been. Doing what this little quiet voice inside tells me feels right.

Lately, as much as I have a mind for and care about you, I realised there is no proper place for me in your life. I positively comprehend all your undertakings and I could not be more proud of your manifold achievements throughout these months. Every moment we spent together I deem precious and smiles at me through pictures, small things and memories. Your help, when I needed it the most is beyond any way I can possibly express my gratitude. I am eternally grateful for each and every thing you provided and freely gave away. I was always happy to lend you a hand when you needed it; the foundation of it all was friendship, by all means and that allowed us to go through many situations. But then, I began to feel out of the equation, and "us" became nothing but a blur. That is when I felt weak, and it was definitely not right.

I cannot help thinking of what could have been. I have no idea of what will become of us, not even myself, but what I am certain is of you and I staying in touch from time to time, being as happy as ever of having you as part of my life.